Upstate New York Secedes

The new state flag.

SYRACUSE- From Buffalo to Schenectady, Lake Placid to Peekskill, the bells of disunion are tolling.

“The tea has been thrown overboard; the revolution of 2020 has been initiated!” proclaimed Carl Paladino, the governor-elect of the 51st state, North New York, addressing a crowd at the Carrier Dome.

Paladino, who arrived yesterday via sealed train from Fort Myers, Fl., then stuffed the official copy of the New York State SAFE Act from the hall of records in Albany into an 1857 “Napoleon” cannon and rammed it home with his trusty Louisville Slugger before lighting the fuse and blowing the 2008 gun control legislation to smithereens.

The effect produced on the crowd, most of them Caucasian men of a certain age, was profound and immediate: A primal scream of catharsis, fists raised high with a single word repeated again and again “Yes.”; a Niagara Falls of blubbering tears and free-flowing snot giving way to wild-eyed demented laughter; large, sweaty bodies on bad knees with slipped discs dancing deliriously in the aisles like teenagers at a Springsteen concert, aches and pains washed away by the ecstasy of enfranchisement.

The separation of the counties outside the New York City metropolitan area from the rest of the state is not a new idea. Proponents have long argued that the large urban downstate population shapes statewide laws that are a mismatch for its rural residents. It was unexpectedly passed this year after President Donald J. Trump and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell dramatically simplified the process for adding a new state to the union through the novel use of emergency executive powers and arcane parliamentary maneuvers. It’s expected that North New York will send two extremely conservative senators to Washington and go easily for Trump this November.

Above: A broadsheet announcing secession.

Paladino, together with Lieutenant Governor Tom Coughlin, unveiled their agenda for the new state, which they urged the now overwhelming Republican Assembly and Senate majorities to pass immediately. Measures include:

Restore the name “Tappan Zee Bridge” to the longest span over the Hudson, expunging all record of the “Governor Mario M. Cuomo Bridge”
Approve fracking for natural gas “everywhere possible” and bring Indian Point nuclear power plant back online; end subsidies for solar and other “inefficient” sources of power
Reinstitute bail and broaden its application
Repeal all environmental regulations passed since 1972, including the New State Environmental Quality Review Act [SEQRA], and require any group suing to stop a development who loses its case to pay the developer’s legal fees and additional compensation for “delay of productive commercial activity”
Decriminalize DWI for snowmobiles and four-wheelers
Repeal most gun restrictions; allow purchase and concealed carry of handguns without a permit; not only allow but encourage purchase of automatic weapons with high-capacity magazines in “as large a caliber as is feasible for one’s body frame”
Reopen the Erie Canal to commercial barge traffic
Remove tolls for Thruway and bridges
Eliminate state income tax
Cut state workforce in half
End rent control and all housing subsidies
Pass the nation’s strongest tort reform laws
Build new prisons, including private facilities
Invite former residents to return with the “Prodigal Patriots Program”

Paladino, promising to be the “greatest jobs governor God ever created,” said he would return the state to its former greatness. “We were the Empire State, and we can be again.”

Paladino said North New York State would urge Kodak, General Electric and IBM to bring back manufacturing facilities to state, guaranteeing a radically loosened tax and regulatory environment. “You come to me with a plan for a big building and 1000 jobs, you will be approved instantly!” said Paladino. “And people, don’t you worry about pollution. We now have beautiful, clean PCBs. So beautiful.”

Immediately following the passage of the articles of secession, congratulations poured in from the governors of several southern states as well as United Kingdom Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

But the most exciting message for many was unveiled at the height of the independence festivities this evening at the Carrier Dome. After several luminaries, including former Congressman Rick Lazio and Capital District native Megyn Kelly, took turns shooting an effigy of Gov. Andrew Cuomo with incendiary shotgun rounds and exclaiming “Ever thus to tyrants!”, the house lights went down and the crowd grew hushed. Then over the PA system came the unmistakable acoustic guitar and French horn intro of The Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and a murmur of excitement arose, culminating in thunderous applause as a tweet from the president appeared on the jumbotron.