1. Take a hike!
The Hudson Valley is full of wonderful walking trails! But please, do us a favor: Stay the fuck out of here. Seriously. We need to be able to get out of our homes and get some fresh air, and if you people keep clogging up our parks, they’re going to be closed. And you will be to blame.
2. Camp out under the stars…
We have parks galore, and can clue you into all the secret, locals-only spots! But we’re not going to, because you’ve already trashed most of them. You really suck, you know that?
3. Take a scenic drive!
Each fall, nature shakes off her verdant gown and drapes herself in a coat of many colors! But I swear to god, if I see one more Zip Car full of citiots who are probably infected with coronavirus cruising around our roads, I’m going to run it right into the ditch.
4. Living history!
As one of the country’s oldest settled regions, the Hudson Valley is full of historic sites. But I strongly advise you turn around and go back to your brownstone. We’re fucking rednecks up here, and we will not hesitate to post up with AR-15s along the Taconic and Route 87. We have the support of the police and know how to dispose of a body where no one will ever find it.
5. Farm to table cuisine
There’s nothing like enjoying ethically raised, sustainable, organic (and yummy) food at one of our many wonderful restaurants located on working farms! But you really aren’t getting this, are you? We don’t want you here! Go back to your diseased, rat-infested, viral hell-hole! You’re going to overburden our hospitals! We need those beds! You’re going to get us killed! STAY THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!
