WASHINGTON, D.C. – A report released today by the Center for Population Research concluded, all things considered, that no one should really be living in Upstate New York in the year 2020.
The report cited such factors as poor weather, high taxes and a limited economic opportunity.
“We understand why people used to live here,” states the report. “The first wave of settlers were farmers, then the Upstate region was home to a huge amount of industry- the Empire State. But beginning in the 1970s, the factories began to close, and today the area really has nothing going for it, at least economically. ”
The report paints a bleak portrait of Upstate New York life.
“The winters are interminable and in the summer the air feels like hot soup. The taxes are among the nation’s highest, which we found hard to justify, given the profusion of potholes we experienced touring the state and reports we read of students incurring school-lunch debt. Every day, residents see the buildings that once employed thousands, now fallen into disrepair, and can’t help but feel a deep sense of melancholy (what the Germans might call Weltschmerz), which no amount of repurposing as brew pubs or artist lofts can ameliorate.”
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The study’s authors say their report will likely not come as a surprise to the region’s residents.
“Initially, we expected a backlash against the dicta of some pencil-necked, Washington-DC bureaucrats. But aside from a few grumblings from chambers of commerce, realtors and elected officials, virtually everyone else shrugged and said ‘yeah, that’s about right.’”
In its “recommendations” section, the study suggested current residents relocate to an urban area or somewhere in the south, depending on how much they value economic opportunity vs. weather and low taxes.
“We believe a small residual ‘park ranger’ type population could be left behind to assist tourists, but other than that, Upstate New York could be almost completely depopulated with no negative consequences. Quite the contrary– we are convinced that many residents are suffering undiagnosed psychological issues associated with their own bleak view of the place they live, and would benefit immensely by relocating to somewhere – anywhere – else.”
