NEW PALTZ- A New Paltz couple assailed by a group of muggers last night on their way home from a potluck fended off their attackers by opening a fair-trade, organic can of whoop-ass, police said.
Cody Fisher, 27, and Katrina Olsen, 28, of New Paltz, were walking on Church St. at approximately 11:42 p.m. when witnesses say several individuals approached them and demanded marijuana and/or cash.
At that time, Fisher and Olsen deployed the can of whoop-ass, which police said appeared to have been procured in part from overseas farmers who were treated ethically and provided just compensation for their labor. In addition, as far as New Paltz Police Investigators could ascertain, the contents of the can were produced without the aid of chemical fertilizers, pesticides, or other artificial agents, and appeared to contain no genetically modified organisms. Police expressed confidence that the whoop-ass was almost certainly grass-fed and naturally gluten-free.
As of press time, police were unable to offer any detailed physical descriptions of the assailants, as both Fisher and Olsen have been uncooperative, responding to repeated inquiries from detectives with the acronym, “ACAB.”
