BALLSTON SPA- Hudson Valley residents are rejoicing this week with the news that Stewart’s Shops, the convenience store of choice for tens of thousands from Goshen to Lake George, will open a new lane dedicated to the minority of customers whose lengthy transactions cause the rest of us to wait much longer than necessary.
“To our loyal customers,” reads an open letter from Stewart’s President Wilhelm Daker, “we have heard your exasperated sighs as the elderly gentlemen requests his sixth round of scratch-offs while you simply need to pay for your bread and milk; we have seen your peevish eye rolls as a corpulent family of five each orders a milkshake while you wait to pay for your Refresher® and CarCup®; we have sensed your mounting inner rage imaginatively playing out scenarios of mass murder as a disheveled man in a Nascar hat attempts to guide one of our Friendly Clerks to the correct brands of cigarettes for himself and his special lady friend. From now on, these customers, who really shouldn’t be blowing their money on these items anyway, will no longer delay you as you go about the no-doubt important business of which your one, precious life on this planet consists.”
Daker Stewart’s expects the new lanes will decrease the waits for the non-gambling, non-lung-cancer-courting, non-gluttonous customers by an average of 93 percent, while increasing wait times for the former segment only marginally.
