New York State to Issue “Drunk Driving” Licenses

A sample of the new license

ALBANY- Enjoy a tipple at your local tavern and confident you can drive your car home safely? A bill recently signed into law in New York State will give you the opportunity to do just that. Drivers who can demonstrate the ability to successfully navigate an obstacle course while tipsy will qualify for a “high-tolerance” driver’s license that will up the acceptable BAC level from .08 to .20.

“We instituted our Driving While Intoxicated laws to protect the safety of New Yorkers on our roads, but those were enforced as ‘one-size fits all,’” said the Governor. “Clearly there are many New Yorkers who possess sufficient ability to drive their cars and trucks after tying one on. After all, most DWI tickets are issued at checkpoints or following extremely minor infractions such as drifting a few feet over the center-line or rolling through a stop sign, which would barely raise an eyebrow if cops weren’t set up in downtown areas at night looking for drunks.”

Local bar and restaurant owners were enthusiastic about the new law, citing a possible benefit to not just their businesses, but the community as a whole.

“In the city, you can spontaneously meet up with friends and have a drink and know you can always jump on a train or take a cab,” said Patricia Kinsky, owner of Kingston’s Red Goat Tavern. “Up here, it’s not so easy. Driving when you’re absolutely shitfaced is bad of course, but you can get a DWI and lose your license after drinking a couple glasses of wine with dinner. I really think fear of getting pulled over keeps a lot of people home, and that’s not good for the local economy or community.”

To back up her point, Kinsky mentioned recent studies that concluded that Americans are suffering from an epidemic of loneliness, with record numbers of respondents saying they feel alone and isolated with no meaningful relationships.

“Maybe that’s why the opiate epidemic is hitting so hard here,” she speculated. “Alcohol is a social drug for going out, partying, proclaiming political opinions too loudly, trading nostalgic reminiscences and approaching strangers you otherwise wouldn’t, while heroin is a ‘hang out by yourself drifting in and out of consciousness in front of the television or video game’ drug, ideal for a night in but unlikely to lead to the formation of new relationships. Plus alcohol takes decades to kill you, with plenty of chances to get off the addiction train, while a fentanyl-laced bag of H can drop an otherwise healthy 20-year-old in his tracks.”

Paul Wiltwyck, a history professor at Vassar College, says that while alcohol certainly has its own downsides, it has been a part of society for millenia, co-evolving with us and filling a unique role.

“Ever since humans first discovered that fruit left to rot would ferment and produce an intoxicating effect when consumed, we’ve used alcohol to reduce inhibitions, enhance sociability, easy anxiety, and forget our troubles,” said Wiltwyck. “And come on, there’s really not much else to do Upstate.”