Saying lockdown-driven overindulgence in alcohol has “pushed us to our breaking points,” the nation’s livers are calling for an immediate phased re-opening of the economy.
“Our message is simple: We can’t handle such a sudden and overwhelming spike in toxins,” said a slightly yellowing spokesman. “Perhaps we should have anticipated this would happen at some point. But recriminations are for another day. For now, we need to get people out of their homes, away from ‘virtual happy hours’ with bottomless bottles, away from marathon drunken phone calls with far-flung friends and family, away from making booze-fueled ‘pandemic mixes’ full of nostalgic songs from the 90s and early 2000s. We expect people will still be drinking more than usual until a vaccine or effective drug cocktail is found to treat COVID-19, but this will at least allow us to reduce the burden on our nation’s livers to a level at which they are stressed but not overwhelmed; to flatten the curve, if you will.”
The plan calls for immediate opening of the nation’s parks, pointing to a direct relationship between overindulgence in alcohol and places that have closed their parks.
“If people have nothing else to do, they will drink,” said the spokesman. “Studies have shown prolonged interactions with groups of 10 or more, especially involving singing and animated communication, are effective spreaders of the virus. But there’s been very little evidence of outdoor transmission and parks are a great place to exercise.”
Addiction researchers say anxiety over the pandemic and resulting job loss is also helping to drive alcohol abuse, and warn of a “second health crisis” as a result.
The nation’s livers agree.
“There are no easy answers and everything involves tradeoffs,” said a spokesman. “But we know one thing: This can’t go on.”
