Buddy
This super cute fellow is thrilled you’ve been home more often! He is completely ignorant of abstract concepts like “the economy” and has no idea that the reason you’ve been around so much is because your place of business has closed – maybe temporarily, maybe permanently. Heck, he doesn’t even know you have a job, just that for some reason you abandon him for the better part of each day, during which he wishes a thousand times an hour to hear your car pull in the driveway and footsteps coming up the walk.
Pepper
Novel coronavirus, coronavirus, COVID-19, Chinese virus, Wuhan virus… it’s all Greek to him! Not only does he not speak English, but he has absolutely no interest in the different names being thrown around for the infectious agent at the root of this pandemic, having nary a pedantic nor xenophobic bone in his body.
Kali
Food in the dish? Litter in the box? Birds to watch from the window? As long as this sassy feline has those ingredients, she’s sitting pretty. Having never ventured 100 yards from your front door, she has no concept of the complex supply chain that delivers that food to your local pet store, and how the entire economy (and civilization in general) is now teetering on the brink of collapse. Yes, soon you may have to actually catch those birds, little kitty. And if it comes to it, as past periods of extreme depredation such as the siege of Leningrad and more recently the economic crisis in Venezuela have shown, as a domestic pet, you may very well find yourself on the menu!
Cricket
This tender-hearted tail-wagger is all about the “pug” life! She sits loyally at your side while you drink from the fire hose of coronavirus news via television and social media, but to her, those devices are merely strange sources of light and sound. It would never occur to her that they were conveying information about real world happenings from thousands of miles away, such as overwhelmed Italian hospitals or ill-advised mass gatherings proceeding across America. As such, she is totally unaware of the coming catastrophe.
Bailey
He loves nothing more than going on a walk with his master! Just the mere sound of the leash being taken down from its hook will cause him to bound over to you with infinite joy! Since you began practicing CDC-recommended “social distancing,” walking in local parks is just about the only safe thing to do outside your home, so you two have been going on more walks than ever lately. He is so happy! He has no idea that the reason for these walks is an unprecedented societal effort to forestall death and all his legions from riding unchallenged over the world population to harvest souls at a rate not seen in a century.
Sadie
This four-footed friend is remaining “paw-sitive!” That’s because as far as she knows, all is well. If you were sick yourself with coronavirus, it would be different. When you had a bad case of the flu two years ago, she knew something was wrong, and stayed ever at your side to nurse you back to health. But so far, you’re feeling just fine, as are the rest of your family and friends. Hey, come to think of it, you don’t actually know anyone who’s become will with coronavirus; you don’t even know someone who knows someone who got sick, and the vast majority of those who do fall ill make a full recovery. Why exactly did we just completely crash the economy and create conditions ripe for martial law? What are they trying to distract us from? Is this finally the long-speculated manufactured crisis to facilitate world takeover by the illuminati/Bilderberg Group/lizard people? What the hell is going on???